If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
