I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
