I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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