mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My ass is underappreciated
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
