My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize