i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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