I'd wear matching sweaters with you
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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