my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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