She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
