It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
God I need to hump something, right now.
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