I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
