I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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