Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
