I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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