No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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