sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Boobs speak an international language.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And then my night got REAL pukey
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
