im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
