I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
