Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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