Are we in a gay sports bar?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize