Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
