Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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