Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
