I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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