i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
