White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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