shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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