We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize