I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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