I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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