so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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