HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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