I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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