My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize