1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
