Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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