I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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