After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
