I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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