I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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