Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
