It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
