who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize