He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
