K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I will be naked everywhere
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize