i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
