so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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