I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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