Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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