Nicole vs. Life
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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