When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
