remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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