My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize