dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
FUCK WHALES
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
