i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
