My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
