did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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