Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
