the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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