I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
