Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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