I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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