My hand turned me down
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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