i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
